Granny Lost The Plot

A couple of days ago, when I was having my hair cut, a lady walked in.  She was almost hysterical.  She had been on holiday and had had her hair done while abroad.  She whipped her bandana off and they had turned it green!

"How did the holiday go?" asked our host, David.

"Jayzus, don’t talk to me" says yer wan, "I spent ten days in a hotel in Portugal drinking Gaviscon."

You young things will not know this but Gaviscon is the essential accessory for auld wans going abroad.  It works wonders on the acid reflux.  Acid reflux is terrible for surprising you at night.  In fact, it is the only thing that does.

Gaviscon comes in two flavours… mint and aniseed.  In fact it tastes a lot like Pernod, a drink I was very fond of in my heyday when abroad with the girls.

I believe in some less salubrious places it is called a Leg Opener, but I don’t know what that means. 

Try it.  Go to the pub tonight and order a Gaviscon and tonic!  On me!

Happy Valentines Day.

And congratulations to all you Yang Wans that got a call to the awards.

God Bless,

Granny

Today is Grandparent’s Day!!

Big wow!!

We geriatrics are all to descend on St. Stephen’s Green today where we will get a certificate from the Lord Mayor. Who is the Lord Mayor?

Imagine 800 grannies with handbags all together in one park! A mugger’s paradise.

Might as well call it Muggering Sunday.

I’m staying at home .

A happy Grandparent’s Day to all my friends.

Having terrified you all with my last post about the awful stuff to be found in cosmetics, I have hit on a great idea.

Grandad and I are going into production to provide you with eco-friendly products for hair skin and eye creams. All our produce will be 100% natural with no added ingredients whatsoever. There will be no additives, colourants or preservatives at all. We have the recipe and the ingredients but you will understand that that bit is all hush hush?

This product can be used as a hair gel, a moisturiser, shampoo, underarm deodorant. skin rejuvinator or make-up foundation. One tube covers all. All your cosmetic needs in one. No-hassle holiday packing!

Enough to say that Grandad and our large team of staff will be providing the main ingredient. He said it would give him great pleasure.

The products from Serena will have to be kept in liquid nitrogen, as we want no nasties in our products, like preservatives and stuff.

The thing is, I’m inviting partners to join me while the company is in its conception. We have a new e-mail address - sample@sendusyoursecretions.ie

We are currently looking for fine upstanding men, with a good grasp on marketing skills. We are also looking for female production assistants. Grandad has already hired Sharon Ní Bheoláin.

So, come on men. Here is your chance to turn your hobby into a career.

I am the bearer of bad news.

Would you believe it if I told you that everything on your bathroom shelves is causing cancer and low sperm count?

The amount we expose ourselves to is greater than the level considered safe, or so I’ve just read.

It’s down to Parabens, the dirty little bastards. Parabens contain oestrogen so that explains why men are starting to sprout boobs.

Take a goozer at your deodorants, your shampoo and conditioners. In very small writing you will find methylpropyl and/or butylparaben. Parabens, in other words.

I have spent the last half hour in the bathroom whilst giving myself a skin peel treatment, so I swear on my mother’s grave that I found the devils in everything we use.

The scrub I used is from the Body Shop. It smells of spearmint and I feel great now. Not an ounce of dead skin on my person. K8 left it behind here after her house-sitting visit. Now I know for sure she’s trying to bump us off - death by body exfoliate! No one would ever know!

It’s all in the bin now and I’m off to search the web for eco-friendly stuff. I was under the illusion that Body Shop stuff is all good and pure. It isn’t.

If the kids give you Body stuff at Christmas; beware!!

They are after your Prize Bonds.

I have been greatly honoured.

K8 has given me the Schmoozing Award

It sounds infectious but I hope for your sake it isn’t. Yet most of you seem to have it so maybe it is.

It coincided with my initiation into the Freemasons. But I can’t tell you anything about that.

I was also thrilled to read that K8 is organising a pub quiz for me. We are told it will most definitely take care of the dental bill, crown and all.

If there is some dosh left over we’re promised a few weeks in France.

Now, isn’t that nice?