Granny Lost The Plot

I have been greatly honoured.

K8 has given me the Schmoozing Award

It sounds infectious but I hope for your sake it isn’t. Yet most of you seem to have it so maybe it is.

It coincided with my initiation into the Freemasons. But I can’t tell you anything about that.

I was also thrilled to read that K8 is organising a pub quiz for me. We are told it will most definitely take care of the dental bill, crown and all.

If there is some dosh left over we’re promised a few weeks in France.

Now, isn’t that nice?

I sat chomping Grandad’s nuts [and raisins]. A healthier option to dunking the old ginger nut in tea, or so we’re told.

I bit off more than I could chew.

Feeling something rock solid in my mouth amongst the raisins I put in my thumb and pulled out…. half a tooth attached to a filling.

I have four phobias - spiders, Twink, childbirth and dentists. And the greatest of these is the dreaded dentist.

I came back from the surgery €480 lighter in the pocket. Root canal - ouch! Three anasthetics - oucher!!

He is not finished. Next week I go back for a crown. Six more fillings and I’m done.

That’s the end of the holiday in France next year. We have no dental insurance and we’re just two old pensioners trying to hold onto our molars.

We stopped in the village on the way back home, just for coffee and antibiotics (there is an infection too). I lit a cigarette. My mouth being well numbed, I couldn’t even take a drag. I stuck two in my nose and two more in my ears.

The tourists were staring at our table.

I noticed a suspicious looking bulge in Grandad’s trousers.

The gun!

Let’s get him outa here, while the goin’ is good…

Hi Everyone,

Grandad here!

I have hijacked Granny’s site to throw her a surprise virtual birthday party.

So join in the party and leave a comment

Grandad

Some girls have a fetish for shoes and handbags, and will happily pay an arm and a leg for a Gucci bag.

I am more low maintenance. My thing is an obsession with health foods - homoeopathy stuff and natural remedies. Having done the research, I am going to giveyou all the benefits of my wisdom.

Udo’s Choice Oil, formulated by Dr Udo Erasmus Ph.D. This man knows his oils. It’s rich in plant sterols and is a great source of fatty acids - the omega 3, 6 and 9 essential fats. Now I no longer creak.

Cold Press Fish Oil, now famed for its beneficial results in raising the I.Q. of school kids, is also beneficial for some forms of insomnia. You have to take five a day for six weeks before you feel the benefit. I did. It worked. Problem solved.

The best was yet to come..

Manuka Honey from New Zealand. This is not like your ordinary honey. A New Zealander introduced me to it. It contains a natural antibiotic and antiseptic ingredient. Clever little bees! Imagine living in a colony where the common cold and flu is unknown!

I have a bee in my bonnet about the whole bee thing now, and was amazed to find out how really really clever those girls are.

Honeybees are social insects and live in colonies. Each colony is a family unit, comprising a single, egg-laying female or queen and her many sterile daughters called workers. The workers co-operate in the food gathering, nest building and rearing the offspring. Males are reared only at the times of year when their presence is required.

It’s too late for my generation or the next, but I can see into the great-great-granddaughter’s future. She will head a colony of girls in uniform, cracking the whip and being impregnated by artificial means. They might need a few men in the winter for bringing in the coal. Apart from that - not a man in sight. The berties and the Bushs - extinct - Utopia.

There are some side effects. I have grown fins and a fish tail. And I have to live in a tank. I have grown a furry golden fuzz all around my body.

Time to buzz off and open a tin of sardines……

The festivities were over.

It had been a beautiful wedding.

The last drunken auntie had been escorted off the premises. Elly was relieved.

After a relaxing Radox bath, she slipped into her slinky silk black nightie, and waited for her George.

George finished his ablutions, slipped into bed beside her and proceeded to do his Sudoku puzzle.

“George,” whispered Elly “’tis very cold for this time of year.”

“Hang on, Elly.” George climbed out of bed and fetched an extra blanket which he tenderly tucked over his Elly. He went back to his Sudoku.

“George,” murmured Elly “I’m still freezing.”

Once more, her husband left the marital bed and covered Elly with his towelling bathrobe. He went back to his Sudoku.

“George,” said Elly in a husky voice “When I lived with me mammy she used to cuddle me in close and put her arms around me whenever I was cold”

George, by now impatient with his new wife, said “Elly! If you think I’m going up North for your mammy at this time of night, you can forget it!”

A little tear ran down Elly’s cheek as she reached for her latest Maeve Binchy

George went back to his Sudoku.

Good night Elly.

Good night George.

-{}-

Please note that the above is a work of fiction. Any resemblance with anyone living or dead is entirely coinkydinkle.

No animals were hurt in the process either.