This is Snady.

Herself left her password beside the biscuits an I found it when I was cleaning up some crumbs.  I know she never writes here any more, so I thought I would scratch my back and see if any fleas popped out.

Grandad is asleep at the moment curled up on the hearthrug.  I tired him out with a game of tennis.  I beat him again.

I might write some more if anything interesting happens.

Snady.

"How did the holiday go?" asked our host, David.

"Jayzus, don’t talk to me" says yer wan, "I spent ten days in a hotel in Portugal drinking Gaviscon."

You young things will not know this but Gaviscon is the essential accessory for auld wans going abroad.  It works wonders on the acid reflux.  Acid reflux is terrible for surprising you at night.  In fact, it is the only thing that does.

Gaviscon comes in two flavours… mint and aniseed.  In fact it tastes a lot like Pernod, a drink I was very fond of in my heyday when abroad with the girls.

I believe in some less salubrious places it is called a Leg Opener, but I don’t know what that means. 

Try it.  Go to the pub tonight and order a Gaviscon and tonic!  On me!

Happy Valentines Day.

And congratulations to all you Yang Wans that got a call to the awards.

God Bless,

Granny

Big wow!!

We geriatrics are all to descend on St. Stephen’s Green today where we will get a certificate from the Lord Mayor. Who is the Lord Mayor?

Imagine 800 grannies with handbags all together in one park! A mugger’s paradise.

Might as well call it Muggering Sunday.

I’m staying at home .

A happy Grandparent’s Day to all my friends.

Grandad and I are going into production to provide you with eco-friendly products for hair skin and eye creams. All our produce will be 100% natural with no added ingredients whatsoever. There will be no additives, colourants or preservatives at all. We have the recipe and the ingredients but you will understand that that bit is all hush hush?

This product can be used as a hair gel, a moisturiser, shampoo, underarm deodorant. skin rejuvinator or make-up foundation. One tube covers all. All your cosmetic needs in one. No-hassle holiday packing!

Enough to say that Grandad and our large team of staff will be providing the main ingredient. He said it would give him great pleasure.

The products from Serena will have to be kept in liquid nitrogen, as we want no nasties in our products, like preservatives and stuff.

The thing is, I’m inviting partners to join me while the company is in its conception. We have a new e-mail address - sample@sendusyoursecretions.ie

We are currently looking for fine upstanding men, with a good grasp on marketing skills. We are also looking for female production assistants. Grandad has already hired Sharon Ní Bheoláin.

So, come on men. Here is your chance to turn your hobby into a career.

Would you believe it if I told you that everything on your bathroom shelves is causing cancer and low sperm count?

The amount we expose ourselves to is greater than the level considered safe, or so I’ve just read.

It’s down to Parabens, the dirty little bastards. Parabens contain oestrogen so that explains why men are starting to sprout boobs.

Take a goozer at your deodorants, your shampoo and conditioners. In very small writing you will find methylpropyl and/or butylparaben. Parabens, in other words.

I have spent the last half hour in the bathroom whilst giving myself a skin peel treatment, so I swear on my mother’s grave that I found the devils in everything we use.

The scrub I used is from the Body Shop. It smells of spearmint and I feel great now. Not an ounce of dead skin on my person. K8 left it behind here after her house-sitting visit. Now I know for sure she’s trying to bump us off - death by body exfoliate! No one would ever know!

It’s all in the bin now and I’m off to search the web for eco-friendly stuff. I was under the illusion that Body Shop stuff is all good and pure. It isn’t.

If the kids give you Body stuff at Christmas; beware!!

They are after your Prize Bonds.

K8 has given me the Schmoozing Award

It sounds infectious but I hope for your sake it isn’t. Yet most of you seem to have it so maybe it is.

It coincided with my initiation into the Freemasons. But I can’t tell you anything about that.

I was also thrilled to read that K8 is organising a pub quiz for me. We are told it will most definitely take care of the dental bill, crown and all.

If there is some dosh left over we’re promised a few weeks in France.

Now, isn’t that nice?

I bit off more than I could chew.

Feeling something rock solid in my mouth amongst the raisins I put in my thumb and pulled out…. half a tooth attached to a filling.

I have four phobias - spiders, Twink, childbirth and dentists. And the greatest of these is the dreaded dentist.

I came back from the surgery €480 lighter in the pocket. Root canal - ouch! Three anasthetics - oucher!!

He is not finished. Next week I go back for a crown. Six more fillings and I’m done.

That’s the end of the holiday in France next year. We have no dental insurance and we’re just two old pensioners trying to hold onto our molars.

We stopped in the village on the way back home, just for coffee and antibiotics (there is an infection too). I lit a cigarette. My mouth being well numbed, I couldn’t even take a drag. I stuck two in my nose and two more in my ears.

The tourists were staring at our table.

I noticed a suspicious looking bulge in Grandad’s trousers.

The gun!

Let’s get him outa here, while the goin’ is good…

Grandad here!

I have hijacked Granny’s site to throw her a surprise virtual birthday party.

So join in the party and leave a comment

Grandad

I am more low maintenance. My thing is an obsession with health foods - homoeopathy stuff and natural remedies. Having done the research, I am going to giveyou all the benefits of my wisdom.

Udo’s Choice Oil, formulated by Dr Udo Erasmus Ph.D. This man knows his oils. It’s rich in plant sterols and is a great source of fatty acids - the omega 3, 6 and 9 essential fats. Now I no longer creak.

Cold Press Fish Oil, now famed for its beneficial results in raising the I.Q. of school kids, is also beneficial for some forms of insomnia. You have to take five a day for six weeks before you feel the benefit. I did. It worked. Problem solved.

The best was yet to come..

Manuka Honey from New Zealand. This is not like your ordinary honey. A New Zealander introduced me to it. It contains a natural antibiotic and antiseptic ingredient. Clever little bees! Imagine living in a colony where the common cold and flu is unknown!

I have a bee in my bonnet about the whole bee thing now, and was amazed to find out how really really clever those girls are.

Honeybees are social insects and live in colonies. Each colony is a family unit, comprising a single, egg-laying female or queen and her many sterile daughters called workers. The workers co-operate in the food gathering, nest building and rearing the offspring. Males are reared only at the times of year when their presence is required.

It’s too late for my generation or the next, but I can see into the great-great-granddaughter’s future. She will head a colony of girls in uniform, cracking the whip and being impregnated by artificial means. They might need a few men in the winter for bringing in the coal. Apart from that - not a man in sight. The berties and the Bushs - extinct - Utopia.

There are some side effects. I have grown fins and a fish tail. And I have to live in a tank. I have grown a furry golden fuzz all around my body.

Time to buzz off and open a tin of sardines……

It had been a beautiful wedding.

The last drunken auntie had been escorted off the premises. Elly was relieved.

After a relaxing Radox bath, she slipped into her slinky silk black nightie, and waited for her George.

George finished his ablutions, slipped into bed beside her and proceeded to do his Sudoku puzzle.

“George,” whispered Elly “’tis very cold for this time of year.”

“Hang on, Elly.” George climbed out of bed and fetched an extra blanket which he tenderly tucked over his Elly. He went back to his Sudoku.

“George,” murmured Elly “I’m still freezing.”

Once more, her husband left the marital bed and covered Elly with his towelling bathrobe. He went back to his Sudoku.

“George,” said Elly in a husky voice “When I lived with me mammy she used to cuddle me in close and put her arms around me whenever I was cold”

George, by now impatient with his new wife, said “Elly! If you think I’m going up North for your mammy at this time of night, you can forget it!”

A little tear ran down Elly’s cheek as she reached for her latest Maeve Binchy

George went back to his Sudoku.

Good night Elly.

Good night George.

-{}-

Please note that the above is a work of fiction. Any resemblance with anyone living or dead is entirely coinkydinkle.

No animals were hurt in the process either.